This used to be a simple question. Then, experts got involved.
In the old days, there was a straightforward rule: you waited until the sun was over the yardarm. Sailors knew exactly what this meant. At sea, it was 11am. On land, it was 5pm. Nobody knows how the same sun managed to be six hours apart depending on where you stood, but people accepted it and got on with their lives.
Today, however, having a drink has become a moral obstacle course.
First, they changed the language. You are no longer a social drinker. You are potentially “alcohol dependent”. This came as a shock to many of us. We can go from breakfast until evening without the slightest urge for a drink. The thought of opening a bottle at one o’clock in the afternoon seems outrageous. We would look with horror at someone ordering a Merlot beside a ham sandwich.
Yet something curious happens around 5.30pm.
You glance at the clock.
“Bit early,” you tell yourself.
At 5.35 pm you glance again.
“Still a bit early.”
At 5.42pm, you decide to check the weather forecast, mainly because it places a clock on the screen.
By 5.47pm, you are conducting the sort of time surveillance normally associated with a prison escape.
The problem is that modern life has worn you down. You have spent the day dealing with passwords, customer service chatbots, politicians, energy bills and people who begin emails with “Just circling back.”
A small glass of wine starts to look less like a luxury and more like a public service.
Unfortunately, every month a new study appears.
One week red wine is full of antioxidants and practically counts as a salad.
The following week it is a deadly toxin that should be handled only by trained professionals wearing protective equipment.
Butter has suffered the same fate. For years it was killing us. Then it was healthy again. Then unhealthy. Then healthy in moderation. Nobody knows where it stands now, although I suspect butter itself has stopped listening.
The traditional fry-up has had a similar journey. Eggs were bad. Then good. Then bad. Then good again. At this stage most breakfast foods have been medically reviewed more often than parole applications.
The result is that many of us now drink with guilt.
Not because we are drunk.
Not because we are dependent.
But because somewhere a researcher with a clipboard is preparing to ruin tomorrow’s dinner.
Even the Catholic Church at the height of its powers could not manufacture guilt on this scale. The Church gave us guilt for things we had actually done. Modern health advice gives us guilt for things we are merely considering.
So what time is it acceptable to have a drink?
I have reached a conclusion.
It is acceptable when the sun is over the yardarm, provided the yardarm is correctly positioned, the latest medical advice has been checked, your smartwatch approves, your cholesterol is within range, and you have first completed a risk assessment.
Or, alternatively, when you’ve had enough of the day and fancy a glass of wine.
Which, if we’re being honest, is how most of us have always decided
